As for my own father… that relationship was always strained. He left my mother when I was 5. My mother found herself a single mother of 4, ages 2-6. I always longed to make my daddy love me. I never understood why he left, why I wasn’t enough to make him stay. It took me YEARS to realize that it wasn’t my fault, I still battle this demon. When I was 13 I moved in with him, this was the new beginning for us. We still had our problems, I moved back and forth between his house and my mother’s house many times. We would fight over his health a lot. He was a diabetic and he didn’t take his meds, he also chugged Mt. Dew like it was going out of style. I would go into his office and get rid of all his crap food and he would just go buy more. Ha. He is the only person I have ever met that was as stubborn as I. He got a motorcycle when I was 18 and that was the start of something beautiful. There was nothing in the world I loved more than jumping on the back on daddy’s bike and riding. We would just ride for hours going nowhere in particular. I have never felt less stress then I did on the back of that bike. I remember singing to him (No Rain – Blind Melon) and braiding that awful mullet of his. My daddy was a redneck to his bones, and he had the mullet to prove it. I tried to get him to cut that damn thing off for years, a few days before he passed away he finally cut it off. I am assuming that it was where he got his strength from. He passed away 5 days after I had my son. He never even got to meet Greyson, I STILL blame myself for this. He wanted to come to the hospital when I had Greyson. I told him no. My Pop was going to be there and as you can imagine the two never saw eye to eye. I was already scared because I was getting induced, and just scared of giving birth in general, I did not want to have to wonder what was going on in the waiting room. But because I told him no, he never got to meet his grandson. This eats away at me every day. Over time I have forgiven my father for walking out on us, not because he deserves it (I know it sounds harsh) but because it was eating away at my soul making me someone that I didn’t want to be. But, I find it almost impossible to forgive myself. I hope that my daddy knew how much I loved him. I hope that he is looking down on Grey and I, I hope he is proud of the woman I have become.
This post became a lot more depressing then I intended it to be. I am very lucky to have my Pop In my life, looking out for me and Greyson. We don’t always see eye to eye, but I know that he has our best interest in mind. And I am also very lucky to have 5 angels in heaven watching out for us as well. Kirk Moore (daddy), and my grandfathers Curtis Duke, Themon Thompson, Gene Lawrence, and Billy Moore. Life is short, hug the men in your life. Tell them how much they are loved. I could go on and on about these men and the impact they have had in my life. I am a better woman for knowing them. I love each and every one of them to the ends of the earth.