Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.
With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.
If you have borderline personality disorder, don't get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.
Symptoms: By Mayo Clinic staff
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
· Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
· Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
· Wide mood swings
· Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
· Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
· Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
· Suicidal behavior
· Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
· Fear of being alone
· Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
These are only some of the demon that I fight off every day. I am so misunderstood, by everyone. There are some people out there that claim to understand my BPD, but you don’t. I am going to try to help people understand me more. What it is like to live with this madness that plagues my soul.
I am in tears as I write this; this is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Admitting I am deeply scared, forever wounded, and bound to this pain for the rest of my life. Some days I wake up and I am on top of the world, I feel as if I could move mountains if I concentrated hard enough. I am high, high on life, on air, on the beauty around me. Then someone says something in the wrong tone, or looks at me the wrong way… and I plummet. I am an out of control airplane spiraling to a fiery depth and the bottom of an ocean of uncontrolled emotions. Where the weight of everything that has ever hurt me is going to slowly crush me, to the point of near death, but never the satisfaction of that full release. I scream, I cry, I break things, I break people, I break myself. Once I think I have reached the bottom, I dig deeper. I bury myself in despair and heartache. The world is against me and I know it to be a fact. I see the looks and I hear the whispers. The whispers get louder and louder until they are screaming inside my head. Telling me I am a failure, nobody will ever love someone as broken as me, I’m useless, I am ugly from the inside out!!! SNAP!!! I break, I fall into a million pieces. After I shed that last tear I find my strength again, I gather my pieces and place them back together. For I have a mountain to climb. So up the mountain I head, I see myself in a new light. I am beautiful. I am strong. I AM WORTHY. I can and I will reach the top. And I do, I always do. When I am going up nothing can stop me. I don’t need you I want you. You are the one who needs me. I am sure of it. I reach the top of my mountain of chaos, I dance naked in the rain. I celebrate all that I am. My tears are the happy kind. I feel as though I have never known happiness like this. I am new, a baby, ready to grow and learn. But then it happens again. I break. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be something real that makes me dive, I see things that aren’t there. Not physical things. I see emotions (hatred, loathing, despise) and situations (cheating, lying, hiding) that are not real. And once again I explode. BOOM. I go through this cycle at least twice a day. The people I am closest to catch the wrath of my vortex of self hatred. This is not because I hate them. This is not even because I blame them. This is because I trust them. I trust them to love me through everything, even the bad and the very bad. I trust them to remember there is a good person, with a beautiful spirit somewhere inside the monster that’s taken over my body. I hurt them. I hate myself for that. When I cry, I cry for them, for the pain that I have cause. The ugliness I bring to their lives on a daily basis. I want to run away and spare them of me. But I can’t I need them. I need someone to hold me up when I am too weak to move. I need them to love me, because without love I am only a shell. I cannot write anymore today. I will try to do this again sometime. Please remember, everyone is fighting something. Just because they look ok on the outside doesn’t mean there are truly okay.